I actually did it, I called NutriSystem and ordered the first month of food. I wasn't sure I could bring myself to do it. Honestly. Zap and I had talked about it but to actually *DO* it, well lets just say I can talk a good game.

But I have to admit it, I am tired of the weight. No - I am tired of the struggle the weight gives me. I am tired that I need to explain myself to every doctor that I see. I hate that I have to justify that there is not an emotional crutch I am hiding behind. I love food. I really love food. Do I stress it - yes I do. Do I know it and stop it - yes. But I do allow it to happen. And most of the time fast food is easier and cheaper then eating at home. Honestly it is.

I took a few first tenative steps not long ago when I started walking at work. It was just around the building a few times, but it was something and I felt okay. Now I walk faster and better then before. I only do it 3 times a week but I feel 3 times is better then nothing.

But what pushed me over was my OBGYN apointment. Where he decided to tell me with my legs in the air naked and pretty much vulerable that I am morbidly obease and that I should get biatric surgery and he knows someone I can contact for it. So, I gave in. I started asking him questions - none of which he could answer. Just kept telling me about his friend at the local hospital that could help.

Then I asked him the kicker question - if I get this done will I be able to have kids. This guy is a specialist and his answer to me was "I don't know, but if you get pregnant now you will have retarted kids or still born ones or other things that will make you wish you never had a child." This from a medical doctor?! I had tears in my eyes, I couldn't help it. I felt he was doing this because I was helpless and he wanted a kick back to his 'friend'. Did my OBGYN tell me that I should get an IUD something that is a birth control option that does not effect hormons that cause weight gain and BP? No. He never gave me any option just said "woman your size never loose on diet and excersise. Call about the surgery it will only cost you a co-pay to have a visit." Yeah an whatever his ass charges my insurance company! I help it together long enough to get the name and phone number that were coupled with my prescription for NuvoRing (which I high recommend) and walked out. Only to burst into tears once I got into the truck. Of course Zap is pissed as hell (no friggen joke).

What bothers me is that I didn't ask him for advice. I never told him that I wanted to lose weight or was thinking of getting pregnant now. This all came from him with no reasons at all as to why he brought it up. I was the exact same weight last year when I saw him. None of this happened. In fact, he said that NuvoRing was a good idea if I wanted to get pregnant just take it out. WTF!?!

That was the start of September. At that point Zap and I started really looking things over. We both want to loose weight, but all diets start okay then flounder - why. So I started telling him things that I hate about diets. I hate measuring, counting points, limit amount of foods I can eat or specific foods that I am only allowed to eat (see protine diet). I hate cooking and trying to figure out what size portion to put on my plate. I hate it all!!!

Then came NutraSystems commercial about how much weight people loss. But that didn't get me, I've see it to often and honestly most of the time all the diet people sound to friggen fake. This commercial ticked off every single thing I hated about diets and then showed me why their program would be different. How I didn't need to count, how the food was there for me just to heat up. How I would have everything I needed. And we thought, okay why not. I then looked at other programs that promise the same thing and I gotta tell you NutraSystems has them beat hands down price wise.

Will this work. I honestly don't know. I am willing to give it so much dedication to see how far I will be able to go. How much I will lose? Anything is better then nothing.

Surgery is not an option for me. This I know. This is a first step.